The Sunday Times TV critic, AA Gill, doesn’t mince his words when something on the box displeases him. I don’t always agree with his elitist, clenched-buttock judgements, but his recent, surgically-precise evisceration of Sue Perkins (Nov 16) was right on the money. The profoundly unremarkable Ms. Perkins has somehow become a ubiquitous part of the British television landscape, popping up on endless Z-List panel shows and hosting factual programmes on a bewildering variety of subjects about which she has neither insight nor specialist knowledge.
When watching her ply her trade, I am reminded of the nightmare world envisioned by noted American author and humanist, Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007) in his short story, Harrison Bergeron. It’s the near future and equality legislation has gone mad, especially in the TV industry. No one can be seen to be better than anyone else and any hint of excess talent or ability is ruthlessly stamped out by the office of the Handicapper General (a post occupied by the shotgun-wielding Diana Moon Glampers): the overly-nimble are hobbled with bags of lead shot, the quick-witted fitted with headphones that deliver deafening blasts of noise at random intervals, and the physically beautiful dressed down and uglied-up. Perkins, transplanted into this fictional scenario, would require none of these handicaps.
It’s unclear, in Vonnegut’s brief narrative, whether or not food and drink come under the remit of the Handicapper General, but I fear that Mrs Moon Glampers (or someone very much like her) has been at work in the tea departments of Britain’s major supermarkets. Why else would they be peddling premium teas in ridiculous little round bags that render the flavour virtually indistinguishable from that of their low-grade budget offerings?
This is not a new issue. I have been campaigning against the scourge of the round tea-bag for more than a decade now and, at last, the tide is turning. In July this year the British Advertising Standards Agency definitively ruled that bigger bags really do make a better brew. In light of this landmark decision I feel that it’s time for a fresh blast of the trumpet in the form of an open letter to Steve Rowe, executive director for food at one of Britain’s most respected retailers, Marks & Spencer.
Dear Mr Rowe,
This letter concerns M&S Luxury Gold tea and your company policy with regard to tea bags.
In its loose form Luxury Gold is, nonpareil, the best blended black tea on the British high street. I often recommend it to tea-drinking friends, acquaintances and workmates – who are invariably delighted by its rich and distinctive flavour. I remain, however, perpetually disappointed by the bagged variety because of the pathetically diminutive round bags in which it is currently incarcerated.
Any tea-taster worth his salt knows that tea leaves need space for the hot water to circulate around them during the brewing process, and yet you insist on imprisoning your flagship blend in cramped circular quarters 35% smaller than the generous rectangular bags used for your Infusions range and almost 50% less roomy than the handsome pyramid bags chosen to grace your delicious new single estate Assam. Why is Luxury Gold so poorly served? The little round bag might be adequate for the casual tea drinker who likes to leave it soaking in milk at the bottom of the cup while the kettle boils, but for those who appreciate a properly prepared brew, it’s just not good enough.
The round bag’s cheerleaders have always dismissed as unproven any suggestion that its reduced dimensions impede the brewing process (in rather the same way that tobacco companies used to dismiss the link between cigarettes and lung cancer). Not any more. When the ASA threw out Tata Global Beverages’ complaint about a PG Tips advertisement denigrating round bags earlier this year, they officially endorsed the overwhelming body of evidence proving that larger bags have ‘better brewing efficiency’.
In the face of these unequivocal findings it seems reasonable to assume that Marks & Spencer, with its traditional emphasis on quality, is presently taking steps to eliminate the inferior, flavour-sapping round bag from its entire range of teas, including Luxury Gold, with all due despatch. Can you confirm that this is the case?
Yours sincerely,
Etc.
I shall report in these pages on how (and if) Mr Rowe responds. In the meantime, any readers wishing to add their voices to mine can reach Mr Rowe at the following address:
Steve Rowe
Executive Director, Food
Marks and Spencer Group plc
Waterside House
35 North Wharf Road
London W2 1NW







